k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
