the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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