Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
