Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
