My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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