dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
