Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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