I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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