i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
