That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
