so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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