4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
