It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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