: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
