I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
