Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
