I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
