just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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