just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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