I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
