Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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