I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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