I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
