The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
