broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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