party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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