My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
