so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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