you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
