the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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