i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
