Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
