Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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