As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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