when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
