Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
