Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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