i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
