His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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