So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
