i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
