Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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