matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
