# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
