I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Randomize
