He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
