Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
