My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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