Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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