The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
