if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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