I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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