next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
